Friends

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out"  Walter Winchell

I have to say that most of my friends walked in.  But as the quote above says when the chips are down you really see who your true friends are, who are the ones that will stick by you even when they think you are crazy and who are the ones that will disappear or really go against you.

When I first had my DCIS diagnosis I hardly told anyone but my immediate family, partly I think due to shock, partly due to denial and partly due to uncertainty of the path I planned to choose. However, the ostrich approach of burying your head in the sand and hoping it will all go away does not work.

I will start with the weird things that occurred.  One friend disappeared, ok not literally, but while this was not a friend I saw all the time, it was someone I saw fairly regularly.  Once they learned of my diagnosis I did not hear from them for a very long time.  Was it they did not agree with my unconventional approach and did not want to confront me?  Possibly.  Was it that they did not want to lose a friend to cancer and decided to distance themselves upfront?  Was it they were afraid to face their own mortality?  The last point I can elaborate on.  When my father passed away suddenly from heart failure at 60 my mother was left alone after 37 years of marriage.  I was not living nearby at the time and thought she would be OK due to the large circle of friends my parents had.  Friends they travelled with, friends they golfed with, friends they went out regularly with.  Well my thinking was not correct.  Many of the friends my mother had dropped her, especially those that were couples.  I cannot figure out what caused this to this day, but my mother had to rebuild her life in a lot of ways at a real time of need.  This is not unique to my mother, a good friend of mine lost his partner of 14 years to heart failure and he experienced the same treatment.  The good news is the real friends stick around, the rest were not truly friends.

The next strange thing was in telling a female co-worker about my diagnosis she said to me "This is a real wake up call for me", meaning the wake up call was for her.  How do you tell someone about your cancer diagnosis and have it be all about them?  Our company had gone though 4 rounds of layoffs in 3 years, they had off shored a lot of these jobs and we had to train the incoming offshore who had replaced our former co-workers, things were stressful at our job for sure and I am certain that stress played a role in my diagnosis, but for my co-worker to only think of herself and state that to me was something else.  She has left the company since and needless to say we have not kept in touch.

The last strange thing was I at my book club meeting when I decided I would share my diagnosis with the club.  I had been a member for many years and knew most of the women there very well.  I also shared that I was going to try alternative methods rather than go for surgery right away.  One of the members made an outright attack on my by saying, of course you are going alternative what else would we expect from you, in a very caustic manner.  The second thing she said is well, guess it did not matter that you always worked out and ate all that organic food.  Nice, I knew someone was going to point that out, but did not expect from someone I thought was a friend.

Now onto the positive things that happened.  One friend of mine, who works full time, has two children and leads a pretty hectic lifestyle took to the Internet on my behalf and researched.  She not only pointed me in the right direction, she affirmed for me that my choice of alternative treatments was right.  She also took 3 days from her busy life and joined me at a conference for alternative and complementary cancer treatments.  She was great at listening to information, pushing me to talk to the presenters at the conference and helping me sort though all the information that we received. She was one of the friends that came running in.

My oldest and dearest friend came to New York with me to meet Dr. Wong on a street corner in Queens so I could have my assessment with him.  Most people I am sure think it is crazy to meet a doctor on a corner in Queens and while my friend did comment to me that only you would meet a doctor on a street corner, she has supported my choice and was very impressed with Dr. Wong after our meeting. This friend also works full time and has two children and has a hectic life, but she took a day off work and made the trip with me.  That type of moral support was exactly what I needed.

Other friends also did research and gave me positive feedback on my choice.  People called, texted, e-mailed and stopped by to see how I was doing.  They talked to me about what I was doing and why which helped me sort through my path.  They asked me how I was feeling, what I  needed, helped with my children if I had appointments outside of school hours.

I was very lucky as most of the friends in my life ran in while just a few ran out.  My family have been my rock though this.  My mother has never doubted that I am on the right path and neither has my husband.  I think having either your family or closest friends go against your alternative choices would really put doubt and fear into your decision making.

Another high point for me has been the Internet, not only all the information that is out there on the subject of DCIS, but the support groups you can find.  The best one for alternative DCIS treatment has been on Facebook.  There are currently over 500 women in this group, each one diagnosed with DCIS and each one fighting their battle in the best way they see fit.  I feel like we are soldiers in a battle against an enemy within.  An enemy who does not play fair or heed to the Geneva convention, an enemy that we will never know we have beaten until we die of some other cause.  An enemy who could ambush you at anytime throughout your life.  An enemy who can be brutal and ruthless no matter what treatments you use against it.  Despite never meeting any of these women I feel a great bond with everyone of them.  For all of us a part of our body which is used to nurture young life has turned against us.  Having these women in my life makes me feel stronger against this enemy.